Sometimes I worry that I don't know how to be in a relationship, and I don't necessarily just mean a romantic relationship. But I sometimes feel like I need to be doing more to maintain any kind of friendship, or that I'm doing it wrong. I worry that because I didn't have a good relationship with my family growing up, that it affects the way that I relate to people now.
I felt like I was a burden to my mother, which she often validated. Somehow I was responsible for "ruining her life", I was the constant reminder of her relationship with my father. I don't know much about their relationship, in fact you could probably say that I don't know anything about it. I know that they were married at the end of May in the Los Angeles temple. I don't know how they met, how long they dated for, or even why they broke up.
I never really felt like someone was taking care of me. Which translated to me having to take care of myself. Since I have had to be responsible for myself, I have a hard time trusting other people to care for me. I don't trust that someone is actually going to be there when I need them.
I wish that I knew how to communicate what I need/want in a way that makes sense to others. I also wish that I could understand how to help others in a way that makes sense to them.
I have a fear of being close to people. I'm scared that they're just going to leave me. I have had a really hard time learning to love myself and allowing others to love me, because I always felt that if my own mother couldn't love me then why would anyone else...
I've learned to think that that her opinion of me is just that, an opinion. I had been validating that opinion by allowing it to have an affect on my life and thoughts about myself.
I want to be able to feel comfortable with who I am, and I think that as we go along we eventually find someone who makes us happy to be ourselves. I grew up feeling like I wasn't supposed to be here, and so I acted that way. And I find that the less I concern myself with what other people are thinking of me, the more fun I have. The more I feel like I can be me.
