As a dancer I spend the majority of my day staring at myself in the mirror.
Making sure that my movements look the same as others.
Unfortunately, most of that time I am criticizing the way I look.
Not just the way my body moves, but the way my body is.
Comparing myself to the other bodies I see in the mirrors.
Wow, I wish my body was more like hers.
Eating disorders are serious, but they are not easily defined.
I never force myself to throw up, or intentionally skip meals for days on end.
But I will eat less, or convince myself that whatever I ate made me feel funny.
Space out meals, eat foods with less calories.
Go to more yoga classes, take a few extra bike rides.
Just a couple more days.
An obsession with having a "perfect body."
Does it ever end?
Saturday, September 13, 2014
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
Thoughts for now
Hi Friends!
It's been a while.
I've been having a hard time these past couple of weeks. . .
The best word I can think of to describe how I feel: Lost.
Suddenly I am not required to spend hours a day at school, but somehow I'm supposed to already be working on my career path towards excellence. How is it possible to have a "career" straight out of college?
"Idle hands are the devil's playthings."
If that's true, then I'm in trouble. I have way too much free time on my hands. How do I fill my days with meaningful activities? I try to read but cannot concentrate for long, distracted by nothingness.
I wish I could go back to school, or rather I wish I could dance all day like we did in school. I wish I was rich enough to travel to L.A. and New York City every couple of weekends for auditions, so that I could get a job dancing.
I feel inadequate at life. No direction.
I am stuck at home when I'm not working. I can sometimes pay for the bus, but not having a car makes it hard to do just about anything. It's the feeling of being stuck that makes it worse. I hate calling around asking for a ride too, I feel like I'm intruding on people's lives.
I also feel very scattered, can you tell?
Short thoughts that keep trailing away, almost incomplete.
What is my purpose?
It's been a while.
I've been having a hard time these past couple of weeks. . .
The best word I can think of to describe how I feel: Lost.
Suddenly I am not required to spend hours a day at school, but somehow I'm supposed to already be working on my career path towards excellence. How is it possible to have a "career" straight out of college?
"Idle hands are the devil's playthings."
If that's true, then I'm in trouble. I have way too much free time on my hands. How do I fill my days with meaningful activities? I try to read but cannot concentrate for long, distracted by nothingness.
I wish I could go back to school, or rather I wish I could dance all day like we did in school. I wish I was rich enough to travel to L.A. and New York City every couple of weekends for auditions, so that I could get a job dancing.
I feel inadequate at life. No direction.
I am stuck at home when I'm not working. I can sometimes pay for the bus, but not having a car makes it hard to do just about anything. It's the feeling of being stuck that makes it worse. I hate calling around asking for a ride too, I feel like I'm intruding on people's lives.
I also feel very scattered, can you tell?
Short thoughts that keep trailing away, almost incomplete.
What is my purpose?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)