Stuck in my head...

I was engaged once, for about a year.
After Jacob and I had been together for a little over a year we were in Salt Lake City the week before Christmas. He suggested that we go to Temple Square to walk around and look at the lights. I thought it was weird that he suggested it because he's not exactly the biggest fan of the mormons, but I love temple square especially at Christmas time. We wandered around until we were alone, he sat me down and told me that he loved me and wanted me to be with him forever. Of course I said yes, I was so happy and excited.
Well, I guess he only did it because he felt pressured to. By me, by the people around us, I dunno, but I wish he wouldn't have done it.
It took me a couple months to notice that he was withdrawing. I felt like the harder I tried to make him happy, the more he'd back away. I was like one of those pathetic girls in the movies, waiting for her boyfriend to get home while he was out doing god knows what. I can't tell you how many times I fell asleep on the couch waiting for him to come home. I don't know why I didn't leave then. I guess I was worried that no one else would want me.
Growing up, I felt that way too. That no matter how good I was, how hard I tried, I still wasn't enough. My own mother couldn't love me, I reminded her of my dad too much.
After a year of being "engaged", I gave him back the ring, and called the whole thing off.
I'm scared that maybe I don't know what love is, or that maybe I want so badly to be accepted and loved that I'm scaring people away. I am having a hard time finding words to explain how I feel, maybe I'll figure it out later...