To eat or not to eat

As a dancer I spend the majority of my day staring at myself in the mirror.
Making sure that my movements look the same as others.
Unfortunately, most of that time I am criticizing the way I look.
Not just the way my body moves, but the way my body is.
Comparing myself to the other bodies I see in the mirrors.

Wow, I wish my body was more like hers.

Eating disorders are serious, but they are not easily defined.
I never force myself to throw up, or intentionally skip meals for days on end.
But I will eat less, or convince myself that whatever I ate made me feel funny.
Space out meals, eat foods with less calories.
Go to more yoga classes, take a few extra bike rides.

Just a couple more days.

An obsession with having a "perfect body."
Does it ever end?

Thoughts for now

Hi Friends!
It's been a while.
I've been having a hard time these past couple of weeks. . .

The best word I can think of to describe how I feel: Lost.

Suddenly I am not required to spend hours a day at school, but somehow I'm supposed to already be working on my career path towards excellence. How is it possible to have a "career" straight out of college?

"Idle hands are the devil's playthings."
If that's true, then I'm in trouble. I have way too much free time on my hands. How do I fill my days with meaningful activities? I try to read but cannot concentrate for long, distracted by nothingness.

I wish I could go back to school, or rather I wish I could dance all day like we did in school. I wish I was rich enough to travel to L.A. and New York City every couple of weekends for auditions, so that I could get a job dancing.

I feel inadequate at life. No direction.

I am stuck at home when I'm not working. I can sometimes pay for the bus, but not having a car makes it hard to do just about anything. It's the feeling of being stuck that makes it worse. I hate calling around asking for a ride too, I feel like I'm intruding on people's lives.

I also feel very scattered, can you tell?
Short thoughts that keep trailing away, almost incomplete.
What is my purpose?

How do you love?

Sometimes I worry that I don't know how to be in a relationship, and I don't necessarily just mean a romantic relationship. But I sometimes feel like I need to be doing more to maintain any kind of friendship, or that I'm doing it wrong. I worry that because I didn't have a good relationship with my family growing up, that it affects the way that I relate to people now.

 I felt like I was a burden to my mother, which she often validated. Somehow I was responsible for "ruining her life", I was the constant reminder of her relationship with my father. I don't know much about their relationship, in fact you could probably say that I don't know anything about it. I know that they were married at the end of May in the Los Angeles temple. I don't know how they met, how long they dated for, or even why they broke up.

I never really felt like someone was taking care of me. Which translated to me having to take care of myself. Since I have had to be responsible for myself, I have a hard time trusting other people to care for me. I don't trust that someone is actually going to be there when I need them.

I wish that I knew how to communicate what I need/want in a way that makes sense to others. I also wish that I could understand how to help others in a way that makes sense to them.

I have a fear of being close to people. I'm scared that they're just going to leave me. I have had a really hard time learning to love myself and allowing others to love me, because I always felt that if my own mother couldn't love me then why would anyone else...

I've learned to think that that her opinion of me is just that, an opinion. I had been validating that opinion by allowing it to have an affect on my life and thoughts about myself.

I want to be able to feel comfortable with who I am, and I think that as we go along we eventually find someone who makes us happy to be ourselves. I grew up feeling like I wasn't supposed to be here, and so I acted that way. And I find that the less I concern myself with what other people are thinking of me, the more fun I have. The more I feel like I can be me.

Dessa's Dance

I started dancing when I was about 4 years old. I had dance classes for a couple years and then switched to musical theater/acting classes for a year, but then things started to get expensive. So I had to quit.

A few years later one of my friends took me with her to a dance class. This teacher had her own dance studio in the basement of her huge house. At that time it seemed like the classes wouldn't cost too much, so I signed up. Once it came around to buying costumes for the recital, I was forced to quit. My mom just refused to take me to class after she saw how much it was.

The next year I went with a different friend who happened to have the same dance teacher. When I came back, I talked with her about why I had suddenly quit the pervious year. She told me that she wished we would have come and talked with her so we could have worked something out.

We made a deal, I would come help her clean her house and I would get dance lessons. One saturday a month, I spent the whole day with her helping her clean out various parts of the house. I had so much fun earning my own dance classes. I learned to appreciate the value of hard work.

Nothing is going to just be handed to us, we've got to go out there and get what we want. Even if it takes us a little bit longer to get there. I'm so happy that I am finally getting my degree. I've been working towards this for a long time. I really hope that I am going to be able to get to perform, and use my degree. Wish me luck :)

Fifteen to Twenty-three

Hi Friends! Sorry I've been a little absent these past couple of weeks. I started my LAST semester of college! I cannot tell you how excited I am!
I am so happy to finally be done with my degree, and finally be able to start living my life. I have no idea what I am doing after graduation. Which both terrifies and excites me, I have the potential to do whatever wherever I want to.
Who knows whats gonna happen. I'd like to travel though, maybe even move out of the country. We'll see! I'd love to dance but it may take me a little while to get onto a company. I've got some auditions coming up for some summer intensives, I'll be sure to let you cats know how they go.
Funny little story: Cedar Lake Contemporary Ballet is one of my most favorite dance companies. This summer they are having a condensed version of their summer intensive (they used to only do an intensive every other summer, so now they do a short version in the other years). For this intensive the age limit is 15 to 23. Guess what day the audition in Utah is? February 27th. The day before my birthday. The day before I turn 24, the day before I would have been too old to audition. I am going to this audition, and I plan on kicking ass. I kind of can't help but feel like this is MY audition.
Well, I've gotta go do some homework now. I'll try to keep writing more often. :)

"All men are created equal"

This last weekend was a big weekend here in Utah! Same-sex marriage is legal!

I have also found out this weekend that apparently I can't be a supporter of the LGBT community unless I am also gay. Seriously? My inbox was flooded with messages on Facebook after I posted some articles about the ban being lifted on same-sex marriages, with people asking me why I supported the LGBT community. Most of them were "concerned" that I am gay, and then I was encouraged to stop posting things about it.

It doesn't matter that I prefer men over girls. And even though I'm not gay, that doesn't mean that I can't support those who are. I've mentioned before that I have a lot of friends who are, and I honestly don't see anything wrong with it. Let people do what they want to do.

We as people are meant to be different. No two people are the same. It is seriously impossible to find the one thing that everyone in this world is going to like. No one has the same favorite foods, or favorite color. Hell, we can't even agree on how the country is going to be run. But somehow we're all "supposed to" only like boys if we're girls, or vice versa.

That doesn't make any sense to me. Let people like what they want to like, it doesn't impede on your lifestyle at all.

I grew up LDS. So I understand why some churches are freaking out but there's this cool thing where the church and the state are separate. Which means that it doesn't matter what the churches say, they can't sway the government. And the government can do whatever it wants, no bishiop is going to stop them. Also, the whole misconception of "if the government will let them get married then we have to let them get married in the churches" makes me so angry. If a gay person wanted to follow the rules of your religion, then they would do it.

In the Mormon church there are two different kinds of marriage, a civil marriage or a temple marriage. Civil marriages are recognized only by the state, and usually if a couple is only civilly married it's because they can't go to the temple for whatever reasons (new members, unworthy, whatever). The temple marriage is the sacred and holy thing that they're all freaking out about. Hey guess what, if gays wanted to get married in the temple then they would follow YOUR rules. No church is expected to change their rules just because the government does, remember "Church and state are separated".

Same-sex marriages are performed by the state - so all you mormons can calm down, they're civil marriages. You have no problems with a couple of 19 year-olds signing their eternal lives away after knowing each other for two months, but if two men who have been in a committed relationship for 20 years and want to get married, its sinful.

So let them be happy - stop harassing gay people and telling them that they are abominations.  EVERYONE deserves a chance to be happy.

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness" 

12/19/1997

1997 was a hard year for my family.
I had sprained my ankle pretty bad in a dance class, and was on crutches for a few days. Some how this combined with my little brother's night terrors (he would be running around the cul de sac screaming at the top of his lungs), meant that my mom was abusing us.
We got kicked out of our apartment because of it. We had 30 days to find somewhere new to live. We didn't find a new home, not for about 6 months....
We stayed in hotels, and when we ran out of money we stayed with some friends.

December 19th, 1997
Day after my mom's birthday.
Like I said, we didn't have a lot of money. For breakfast we would go to Great Harvest to get a couple free slices of bread, and then my mom would drop us off at school.
As we pulled out of the parking lot to the light, facing the R.C. Willy's, I remember setting my tomagachi in the cup holder to respond to something my mom had said to me. We sat at the light and through the windshield I watched the lights switch from red to green. We started to turn left, then the windshield was completely cracked, and something smelled like it was burning.
It took me a second to realize we were moving in a different direction but by then the car had stopped. I tried to get out of the car, grabbed my toy out of the cup holder and pushed on my door. The door wouldn't open, this is when I started to panic. There was a speed limit sign stuck to my car door. I looked over at my little brother whose eyes looked like they were going to pop out of his head, and I unbuckled him out of his seat belt. As I was reaching to try to open his door, some lady with short blonde hair, had run up to the car and yanked his door open. My brother and I climbed out of the car, and when I turned back to look, I finally saw my mother.
Hunched over the detonated airbag. Not completely passed out, but not all here. Maybe she sensed me but she turned to look at me and told me to get back in the car, confused as to why I was standing next to it. Her driver's side window had exploded onto her. She was bleeding everywhere, I couldn't tell how badly her face was messed up, just that half of it was completely red.
Someone had a small towel in their car and brought it over to my still confused mother, so she could hold it to her face until the paramedics arrived. I didn't get a chance to see my mom for another day. The lady who had helped us out of the car dragged us away so we "wouldn't have to watch" and told us how lucky we were that we didn't get hurt.
We sat in the grass and watched as the firefighters struggled to get our mom out of the car. They brought out a huge piece of machinery and started cutting the car. We panicked, a firefighter who was trying to take us to school told us that they couldn't get our mom out of the car, so they had to cut the car out of the way. The firefighter let us stay and watch as they pulled her out of the car, onto a stretcher and into the ambulance.
Then we got to ride in a firetruck the last few blocks to the school, so we could attend our class Christmas parties. The principal escorted us to class and gave us extra candy because he felt bad for us.

My mom was in the hospital for a couple of days. They had to get glass out of her eye, and put half of her nose back on her face, but she survived.

So at the end of 1997? No home, no car, no money, and new hospital bills. Worst year ever.

Give a little

The other morning when I was driving around campus picking up the books from the book drops I was listening to one of those morning radio talk shows, I think it was 97.1zht. Anyway, they do "Secret Santa" every year for Christmas, asking the community to write in about families that they know need some extra help for the holidays. I listened as the talk show hosts called a woman that they were giving things to, and seriously I was crying in the car.
I've been on the receiving end of a few "Secret Santa"s over the years. My family didn't always have a lot, so when we opened the door and saw presents sitting outside our door, it was the most exciting thing to ever happen to us. A Christmas miracle. Even though it was usually some clothes and a game or two, it was incredible, because otherwise we wouldn't have gotten anything for Christmas.
I'm so grateful to those who have helped me and my family. If only you knew how much joy these people brought into our home just because they cared.  I wish I knew who doorbell ditched us the Twelve days of Christmas, or any of the secret Santas, so I could say thank you. Thank you, whoever you are.

Avert

This semester of Orchesis was different for me. I am used to the grueling hours of rehearsals, but I was not ready for the emotional ride that this particular performance had. The choreographer, Rodolfo Raphael, is a choreographer that I am very familiar with. I have performed his choreography in the past, as well as had the opportunity to perform with him. It is because of this relationship that I was more invested in our message.

            I have many friends who are openly gay/lesbian, and I have always felt that the way they have been treated was unfair. So when I learned about this “aversion therapy”, it made me angry. Through the creating of the piece, we watched many interviews of people who had been forced through these different kinds of “treatment”. I cannot even tell you how upsetting it is to listen to how badly these people were treated, just because they’re a little bit different.

            In performing this particular piece, I had a part where I was one of those people being forced into treatment. The most intense part of the piece for me is when I tried to travel through the group, and they were all grabbing at me. I felt like all of these hands were someone telling me how to be “right”, trying to control me and force me to be something that I’m not. The frustration and anger that built up inside of me made me feel like punching those hands away and screaming at them to leave me alone. I imagine that’s how these people felt, when going through their therapies. Confused about why they’re bad, scared of what others might do to them and apologetic of who they are.

            This piece made me consider how I connect with those around me, because even though someone may say they’re okay they might not be. Everyone is dealing with his or her own struggles underneath the surface. It makes me so frustrated with how little people truly care about those around them. How can we be okay with the way we are interacting with others? Why do we treat people with such disrespect? Just because someone is different, doesn’t mean we have to change them, we should love our differences. The world would be an incredibly boring place if we were all the same.

Blue Balloons

This September, I attended Ririe-Woodbury’s season premier show, The Start of Something Big. The strength and endurance of the dancers, as the six of them danced through the night, impressed me. The evening consisted of many repertoire pieces displaying the company’s versatility. Including a couple from Alwin Nikolais, and the founders of the company, Joan Woodbury and Shirley Ririe.  Topped off with a spectacular piece by the company’s new Artistic-Director, Daniel Charon. The old dance films connecting each piece were entertaining and added to the evening’s program.

The performance that was most compelling to me was a piece towards the middle of the show, created to entertain school children in the 1970’s. The words that are read to us during the performance are from a Winnie the Pooh book, when Pooh Bear is floating around on his balloon, making up a song about being a cloud. The free flowing effort and playful tone of a breeze are movement qualities that are carried throughout the entire piece. The female dancers held balloons in their hands and moved as if they were drifting around on the wind. Any shift seemed to change their direction. Nothing was rushed, as if we had all of the time in the world to lie out in the grass and observe the clouds as they went by. The male dancers almost disappeared into the background, acting as the air, effortlessly transporting everyone around the stage.

No movement seemed unintentional, there was precise attention to detail and it was satisfying to watch as the bodies on stage fulfilled each shape. The ease and breath of the performers was fascinating, it helped me as an audience member, to feel included in the daydream. I wanted to jump up on stage and play with the balloons along with the dancers. I enjoyed the world that was created on the stage; innocent, fun loving, and made with a younger audience in mind.

The entire concert contained such a variety of skill, showing off the dancer’s abilities, which left the audience begging for more in the end.  The diversity allowed there to be something that everyone could identify with and enjoy. I am excited to see what else the Ririe-Woodbury dance company has in store for the rest of the season.

What is it??

Today before class, a bunch of the dancers were talking about having babies (one of the girls is pregnant, and a few have babies of their own). This conversation made me realize that I have a somewhat traditional view on the whole babies thing.
 I don't want to know if I'm having a boy or a girl, until the doctor hands me my baby and says "Congrats, it's a ... " fill in the blank.
I think not knowing kind of makes you more prepared with a gender neutral nursery and clothes. You won't get all the silly frilly dresses or baseball outfits that your baby either isn't going to wear, or only wear once. Instead you'll get tons of onesies (bonus!).
I've heard of people who thought they were having one thing, and ended up having the other. That would suck, you'd have a little girl in boys clothes and a blue room.
Some articles I've read talk about parents who knew whether they were having a boy or girl, and how they would end up gender typing the pregnancy. Like when they would read books to the baby in the belly, they would read Eloise and girly books, and avoid the boyish books. I don't want my kids to feel like they have to be a certain way to be loved. That includes gender stereotypes, I wouldn't want to pressure my child to be super girly if she didn't want to be. I would want my children to find out what they liked, and like it regardless of what is "appropriate" for their gender. It starts when they're babies, so the longer I could put off the stereotypes, the better.
Plus, think of how fun it'll be not knowing! Everyone will be looking up old wives tales to try and figure out what I might be having. Making all kinds of guesses.

Fall Orchesis

Here are some pictures from my show!

This was the Orchesis poster for the concert.

We just love costume fittings! About two weeks before each show, dancers go into the costume shop to try on their costumes so we can make sure everything fits and looks good.

We get notes from professors after each run through of the show. These notes can be about specific movements, qualities of movement and sometimes its just technical notes for the stage crew.

Dressing rooms! 

We arrive at the theatre at 5:30 for a warm up class, which ends at 6:30. Giving us about an hour to get all of our hair and make up done.

During intermission. 

The audience is chatting on the other side of the curtain, but all the dancers are going over movement, making sure they are ready to go!

I love what I do, and I'm grateful for the opportunities I have to perform. :)

Thank you to everyone who came to the show, I hope you enjoyed it.

Nuclear News?

The front page news the past couple of days has been about the negotiations on the nuclear treaty with Iran. On Sunday government officials came to a temporary agreement, meaning Iran is going to stop developing nuclear technology for only six months. The reason Iran had to stop "researching" in their nuclear facilities is because they were having a hard time proving that they were not trying to develop weapons. They also were not allowing the UN to monitor what was going on in their facilities.

Just in case you don't know a whole lot about the history of nuclear technology, here's a quick overview!
Nuclear technology was developed in two areas of the world, the Manhattan project and the German nuclear energy project. The German nuclear energy project started at the beginning of World War II, in April of 1939. This is because nuclear fission (the splitting up of atoms), was discovered in January of 1939. As the world war continued, the Allies spied on what the Germans were attempting to do with the new information, and then started their own little research project. The German project lost steam as the war drew to a close, the Manhattan project on the other hand was able to continue and eventually develop two different kinds of "atomic bombs".
Once this technology was developed, it needed to be regulated. Drafted in 1968, the Non-Proliferation Treaty would allow countries to gain nuclear technology for energy purposes. It was not until May of 1995 that the treaty was completed. (If you need a time frame, this is when Bill Clinton was president). This treaty makes it clear that only five countries are allowed to have nuclear weapons, the United States, Russia, the United Kingdom, France, and China. Conveniently, these five countries are the only permanent members of the United Nations Security Council. Only four other countries are believed to have nuclear weapons: India, Pakistan, Israel, and North Korea. (North Korea had signed the treaty back in 1985 but then withdrew in 2003).

Fast forward to today, the issue with Iran. Iran isn't on the list of countries that are allowed to have nuclear weapons, but they are allowed to have nuclear technology for energy purposes. So the big issue was that they were trying to be like the big kids on the playground, and have some nuclear weapons on their side too.
Do you want to know what we are giving Iran in exchange for their nuclear research to stop temporarily? Six to seven BILLION dollars in "relief". Which Congress did not have to approve, because the President and his cabinet are in charge of humanitarian aid.

Nuclear technology is awesome, and scary. I personally don't think it's fair that only 5 countries in the world are "allowed" to have those kinds of weapons. Not only that but the United States has nuclear weapon stations all over the world, and has the most nuclear weapons. What do we need all those weapons for? Are we not trying to make the world a more peaceful and happy place to live? It makes me feel like the United States are just big bullies. We go around telling everyone that they can't have what we have, but they need to let us take care of them. I just don't understand it.

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/11/24/world/middleeast/talks-with-iran-on-nuclear-deal-hang-in-balance.html?pagewanted=1

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nuclear_Nonproliferation_Treaty

perception: mind or body?

November is a stressful month. It always seems like everything happens, or needs to be taken care of, the week of my show. I am already feeling better as the week is ending. It's a bittersweet feeling, the end of a show. I'm excited because I will have time to be a human being. But I love performing, and I don't get to do it nearly as much as I'd like to.

Being a performer has given me a better appreciation for bodies. The things bodies are capable of are astounding. When time slows down on stage, every movement is exposed. Thats why I love watching professional sports like football because those guys are true athletes, their bodies are incredible. The way that they move around obstacles at full force is incredible to watch. When those guys jump, everything in them is extending as hard as it possibly can to reach the goal. And boy, do those guys know know to fall, they just carry their momentum and roll out of it and pop right back up like it was nothing.

Maybe because American Sign Language was my first language, I find it easier to communicate with my body. I get  frustrated with people who don't understand their bodies. You know, those people who become terrified when you invite them to do any type of physical activity. You live inside of your body, you should know how to move it! When people tell me they don't know how to dance, I roll my eyes. Dance is any and all movement, graceful or not. I love to dance, you can explain more than just subjects to an audience when words just don't do it justice, but emotions and ideas too.

Speaking English is hard for me, especially in groups. I'm busy translating in my head, and by the time I've caught up to the conversation its usually a little too late to respond. I've found that if I can be physically close to someone, then I have an easier time communicating with them. I guess I just experience the world through my body, rather than my mind.

Opening Night

There is nothing like stepping onstage in front of an audience

I can hear every breath and heartbeat, time slows down

Every square inch of skin is hyper aware as I move

Experiencing things only bodies could

Words never enough to express what we share

All eyes on me, I feel 500 feet tall

We go on a journey, the audience and me

Sad to see you go, until the next curtain.

Lost...

Some days I feel like I'm just lost in an ocean.
Pushed around by the currents, drowning in the crowds.
There's too much happening, too much to handle.
Losing my grip on reality, losing control.
Where does the calm go?

God and creatures

In one of my rehearsals the other day some of the girls said some things that seriously bugged me. These girls are super religious, like - won't be friends with me because I'm not "good enough". They are entitled to their own opinion, but so am I. These girls were adamant that animals are soulless, and are only are here for human consumption. And of course, since they do not have souls they can't go to heaven.

Those statements are so completely ignorant and arrogant, that it's been bothering me for days. I can't even believe it.

To believe, first of all that humans are the only ones that have "souls", is a way to believe that humans are better than animals. Doesn't your precious bible teach that the animals were created by God? Why would he only bestow the gift of a "soul" to humans, animals make choices and live full lives just like you do. By the way, humans are animals, and evolved from other animals. Nothing you can do or say about that, its fact.

Animals were not "placed on the Earth for us". That nice little bible of yours also tells you that animals were created before man, and man was placed here to care for God's creatures. So for you to tell me that I should consume animal meat because they were put here for us to eat, makes me want to slap you. The creatures of the Earth are here for the same reason as us, to live.

Oh and the whole heaven thing. God created the animals didn't he? Why would he decide that once the world ends there would only be humans left? He is supposed to love all of his children (hey guess what, all those creatures? they're his children too), so I would think that he would want to have them around too. I know I wouldn't want to be in a heaven where there were only humans and nothing else.

Just do it!

I have no sympathy for overly fat people. I understand that everyone is made differently and so it is completely unrealistic for everyone to be the same size. But it really bothers me when people complain about being overweight. I feel like if you really have a problem with the way that you look, or your size, then do something about it. Change your diet, exercise more.

I hate it so much when people tell me that I don't understand because I'm "just skinny". Excuse you, I worked hard to make my body like this. I made a serious diet change, and a conscious decision to exercise daily. I'm willing to bet that if everyone payed attention to what they ate, and how it made you feel. You would change your diet. Your body should feel good. Aches and pains happen because your body is trying to tell you something. Listen to it! Since I started paying more attention to my body, and giving it what it needs, I've noticed a change. I have more energy during the day, and I can wake up feeling rested. I'm sore less than I used to be. Overall, my body feels much better.

Our bodies are incredible, and are capable of so much. We should treat them with respect by giving it things that help and repair, not hurt it. Do you know what aspartame does to your body? That shit they put in food instead of sugar, it turns to formaldehyde when it reacts with your body's chemicals. Formaldehyde! Thats what they pump into dead bodies to preserve them. I want to live for a long time, but not because my body was pumped full of preservatives.

Daddy's girl...

I enjoy being a girl, and being treated like a girl. I hope chivalry never really dies, because I love it when guys are being gentlemen. I also love that I'm small, but the perfect amount of small. I'm the perfect size for hugging.
If my dad had been around when I was growing up, I would have totally been a daddy's girl. I love going to do all that guy stuff as a girl like going to football games and camping. I wish he could have been more involved in my life, but my mom didn't want him to be around at all. I've always been super jealous of those kids who have both parents in their lives. You have no idea how lucky you are.
There's some kind of statistic somewhere about how if you have both parents then you have a better chance at having successful relationships. Especially if you have a strong connection with the parent that is the opposite gender as you. Kids like me, we didn't get a chance to even try to have that relationship.
Someday, when I get married, I want to it to be real. So my kids don't have to deal with what I had to deal with. I want them to be able to really know who both of their parents are, and have a strong support system.

Stuck in my head...

I was engaged once, for about a year.
After Jacob and I had been together for a little over a year we were in Salt Lake City the week before Christmas. He suggested that we go to Temple Square to walk around and look at the lights. I thought it was weird that he suggested it because he's not exactly the biggest fan of the mormons, but I love temple square especially at Christmas time. We wandered around until we were alone, he sat me down and told me that he loved me and wanted me to be with him forever. Of course I said yes, I was so happy and excited.
Well, I guess he only did it because he felt pressured to. By me, by the people around us, I dunno, but I wish he wouldn't have done it.
It took me a couple months to notice that he was withdrawing. I felt like the harder I tried to make him happy, the more he'd back away. I was like one of those pathetic girls in the movies, waiting for her boyfriend to get home while he was out doing god knows what. I can't tell you how many times I fell asleep on the couch waiting for him to come home. I don't know why I didn't leave then. I guess I was worried that no one else would want me.
Growing up, I felt that way too. That no matter how good I was, how hard I tried, I still wasn't enough. My own mother couldn't love me, I reminded her of my dad too much.
After a year of being "engaged", I gave him back the ring, and called the whole thing off.
I'm scared that maybe I don't know what love is, or that maybe I want so badly to be accepted and loved that I'm scaring people away. I am having a hard time finding words to explain how I feel, maybe I'll figure it out later...